iDo - Learning The Black and White of Marriage (Week 2)

The video above was shown by Pastor King and his wife Ms. Phoebe on the 2nd week of iDo. Everyone was laughing as we watched this during the session. Although it may be stereotypical, I pretty much agree with the illustration. Men and women are indeed different and that's the beauty of God's creation.

During this session, Pastor King and his wife tackled the topic "His Needs. Her Needs." The objective was to help the couples understand how men and women are wired to help address each person's needs and in the end have a more harmonious time together :-) I find this session very helpful because I get to appreciate more how God created Brian. It made me see how unique he is and also, how unique I am.

So what are men's top needs (in the context of marriage, that is)? Here's a not so surprising and some surprising revelations that Ms. Phoebe shared.

1. Sexual Fulfillment. Yup! It's almost every guy's top need. And it's not really surprising. I mean, don't get me wrong but guys are really more physical. But of course, this should be fulfilled within the context of marriage only. What's great about this is that I realized all the more the importance of sex in marriage. Sex is literally the physical aspect of being "one in flesh" (Genesis 2:24). Ms. Phoebe even noted that more than being physically connected to each other, sex is actually communication. It's learning to understand and get to know each other physically and intimately.

2. Recreational Companionship. See here? Guys are really physical! Hahaha. One of their top needs is for their spouse to share in their enjoyment of any recreational activity - be it basketball, computer games, travel, food tripping or jogging. I know, some girls LIKE ME, are not really the athletic kind. But fulfilling this particular need doesn't mean that we have to do what he does. Being a recreational companion could also mean being his cheerleader...which I find really cute. And more than being husband and wife, this helps develop the friendship between a couple. We become each others best friends :-) Brian has been asking me since before to play badminton with him. Laziness seeps in my muscles and almost always I turn him down. But now, I'll try. It will be good for me, anyway. I need some exercise.

3. Attractive Spouse. Well, who doesn't? I don't think this is just a guy thing. I also want my spouse to look attractive. As a wife, it'll show how well we take care of our husbands :-). And for husbands, it'll show how well they also take care of their wife :-). But again, don't get me wrong here. I realized here that vanity is not an excuse for attractiveness. Just as Ms. Phoebe puts it, "attractiveness is what you do with what you have".

4. Domestic Support. Some independent and career oriented women may find this a little too difficult to fulfill for their husband. But the thing is, after a full day of work, guys want to come home to a clean and stress free house. I learned here that guys really consider their home to be their place of rest, where they can relax and recharge. Although I believe that it doesn't mean that the woman has to do everything around the house. Heheh! The husbands need to help, too :-) This particular need makes me all the more excited about marriage. Since I like cooking (and baking!), I want to be able to serve yummy food to Brian :-) I better start practicing now.

5. Admiration. Husbands need inspiration, affirmation and admiration. Who doesn't? I mean, wives need that, too. But for guys, it helps them feel they're doing a good job. It helps them keep inspired to do what they're doing. Sometimes, we girls, always think of ourselves first. I have a tendency to do that. I want to feel admired always. But, thank God, I realized that Brian needs it, too. Although Ms. Phoebe warned us that other people, or women, may fulfill this particular need. That is why, wives should always be their husbands' number one fan :-)

So that's basically a husband's top five needs. It's not really an exact thing. But getting a picture of it helped me understand guys more...and of course, Brian.

Now, it's the women's turn :-) Pastor King share with us some interesting points about what women need. And I really had some "oohhh-that's-why" moments when I heard this. I never really got to fully think about these needs so it's really refreshing to know.

1. Affection. I love hugs. It makes me feel loved. And it makes me feel secure. Maybe that's why girls are suckers for anything romantic. Pastor King even said that affection is like cement. It binds a wife and a husband together. He also noted that sexual fulfillment (for the guys) and affection (for the girls) go together and you can't have one without the other.

2. Conversation. Women like to talk...A LOT! And even for someone as "shy" and "timid" as me (yes, I can be shy with "new" people), I like to talk. I like telling people, who are close to me, what I think, what happened to me, what I feel. And guys need to understand that. Study shows that men use around 12,500 words per day...and for women, we use around 25,000 words per day! That really cracks me up! Maybe that's why we sometimes feel frustrated that men don't seem to understand. Or maybe because we babble too much? Or maybe because our thoughts are not so coherent as the guys? Because women can jump from one topic to another in just a snap?Anyway, the point is, men need to understand that women like having conversations. This is important in marriage because it's a practice of communication. But I learned, too, that women also need to be quiet at times, so we can listen to our man talk :-)

3. Honesty and Openness. I have a big issue with trust. I don't trust people right away. It takes time for me to build on it. But the moment that trust gets broken, it will be hard to get back. Maybe that's why honesty and openness are one of a woman's top needs. It was shared during the session that girls are very detailed. We like to ask questions that sometimes aim to test honesty and openness. Guys sometimes just don't get it. They may think that we're probing. But women need to be assured of honesty and openness. Too much nagging might put a stress on marriage but too much silence may kill it. As Pastor King puts it, "Honesty is the best marriage insurance policy".

4. Financial Support. Pastor King shared that women have this need for money to live comfortably. Not putting too much pressure on the guys, it doesn't really mean that money makes the world go round for us girls. Financial support from husbands give women a sense of security - most especially for the family. But let's face it - money is hard to manage. But I like what Pastor King said about financial stability. He said that there's really no such thing. But there is a thing called financial responsibility. It's learning how to be responsible for the blessings and resources that God gives us. It's stewardship. And this is what I think God is teaching Brian and me, nowadays. That God owns everything. He's the source of our finances. He's the provider of our needs.

5. Family Commitment.Women want their husbands to be the leader of the family. We want the best husband and the best father-leader. Tough call, huh? But I believe it's God who sustains godly men to be as such. It is God who gives wisdom to the husband-father-leader on how they will manage their family. And I will definitely pray to God about this. That He will give Brian wisdom and the strength to lead our future family :-)

Anyway, that's basically it. I learned A WHOLE LOT again for this session. It's just really amazing how men are really different from women. God created each of us uniquely and we may have totally different sets of needs but God's gift of marriage amazingly multiplies these differences into a great and Godly relationship that makes us one.


'Til next post :-)

iDo - Learning the Black and White of Marriage (Week 1)

Not many married couples or soon-to-be couples get the chance to learn the basics of marriage.  I mean, do people really understand what its all about? A lot of people plunge into it without really thinking much and there's really no manual or book of law written for couples as a guide. But here's what I know: God has a specific design for it. And I'm just so blessed that Brian and I are able to learn about it through a marriage preparation seminar called "iDo" at VCF Alabang.

"iDo" started two weeks ago. Brian and I would get off work a little bit early to attend the workshop. And honestly, I've always been excited and looking forward to Wednesdays because of this thing. It's very refreshing and it made me realize how much value God has placed on marriage. For the first week, Pastor Chicco and his wife Ms. Mary Anne talked about the Biblical Foundation of Marriage. It might sound too doctrinal but it's actually practical.

Pastor Chicco and Ms. Mary Anne started the session by asking what marriage means to us and what expectations we have for our future spouse and of ourselves as well. Well, I wrote down my answer on my notebook and what marriage for me is that it's a commitment. And that it is a God-ordained relationship between a man and a woman. Brian and I exchanged our ideas and told each other of our expectations. It was actually sweet. And I'm not going to write about it in this blog because that is reserved for just God and the two of us (hehehe!). It was a really good exercise of communication between me and Brian because we're able to lay down our cards to each other.

So the session went on and Ms. Mary Anne showed us what the world views about marriage. Obviously, some people see marriage as living the rest of your life with a special person. Others see it as a convenience. While others see it as a solution to end their problems - may it be finances, personal depression, or getting away from the family. It just shocks me that a lot of people get into this wonderful kind of relationship without actually seeing the reason why God ordained it. They're just missing out on a lot of things and it's very sad. 

When I was a kid, I had a romantic view about marriage. Reading about Cinderella, Snow White and Belle meeting their "prince", I've always seen it as being with a person who rescues you and takes you away to live happily ever after. But then I grew up and I've seen that marriage is not really all "happily ever after". Although a lot of women still see marriage as something like that. But according to the Bible, God designed marriage as a gift. A gift for the man. A gift for the woman. It's God's idea. It's God's design. If only people would see marriage as God originally designed it, there would be no broken marriages, no third parties and no accidental marriages.

What I realized during this part of the workshop is that marriage is actually one of the most intriguing yet powerful kind of human relationships. Imagine two distinctly different persons (having different personalities, backgrounds, likes, dislikes, habits, etc) coming together and living as one. It's like trying to mix oil with water. But when God moves into the picture, everything works out. It's like adding egg and vinegar to the oil-water mixture and you've got some yummy mayonnaise - sweet and sour at the same time...(get it? sweet and sour? heheh!)

Pastor Chicco and Ms. Mary Anne also shared with us a nice acronym that describes marriage. And its C.U.P. C for commitment. U for unity. and P for Permanent. What struck me most is the "P" because a lot of people nowadays see marriage as something that you can just end with a divorce or annulment. I think it's just plain stupid. I mean, it's like trying to run away from the consequences of a decision one made - and for this case, marrying the "wrong" person. Maybe this is because people nowadays have grown too "personal" in such a way that there's no more room for another person in our lives. We try to turn that person into someone that would fit our idea a spouse to the point that he/she would lose her individuality. What's always important is what's convenient to us. But marriage is not supposed to be personalized. It's interrelating to each other. It's give and take. And I thank God because I get to understand this concept because I'm able to appreciate and accept Brian more, for how God created him, and for how unique he is.

Another thing that Brian and I learned for this session was about "Leaving and Cleaving". I think this is a very important concept that we Filipino Christians need to understand because in our culture, it's always okay to live with our parents and families even if we're already married. But God designed marriage in such a way that "...a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24 NIV). Maybe that's why there's no such thing as "evil in-laws" in the Bible (hihihi). When a couple lives together on their own, they get to learn how to be responsible and really enjoy the privilege of being together. And I'm so blessed and thankful to have parents who understand this. And Brian, too. During the pamamanhikan, they stressed the importance of finding our own place. I know it's going to be a little bit hard on our own but I know that God's grace and blessings will always be upon us.

Anyway, there are still so many things that I learned from just the first session of this workshop. I could go on and rant all about it but my dream is for soon-to-be married couples to get a chance to experience this, too. We may all have different expectations of marriage. But here's the thing: It's is not all romantic. It may get rough at times but when two people understand how God designed marriage, things work out. It's an everyday decision to commit that each person has to make.

Well, that's it for now.

 'Til next post :-)

A Crazy Bridal A-fair

Being a bride-to-be, I'm more than excited to plan for my upcoming wedding. I already bought a couple of wedding magazines, borrowed some from friends, and browsed almost every wedding website in the internet for ideas. Anyway, Brian and I also decided that we should attend Bridal Fairs to help us out with our hunt for suppliers and for ideas. And thank God because I found some helpful Pinoy websites which promoted some Bridal Fairs and one of them was the Weddings and Debut 2011 Bridal Fair held last February at SM Megamall.

We decided to go to the Bridal Fair in SM. I registered online for the event and felt really excited! Brian was also excited and he, too, was doing his own wedding research. Anyway, February 19 came and off we went to Megamall for the fair. I totally had no idea what to expect but seeing the lineup of exhibitors on the website, and knowing about their promos, discounts, and other offers made my eyes sparkle.

We arrived a little before 11AM at Megamall that day. Brian and I went directly to the pre-registered counter to sign up. I got myself a Wedding Handbook and a paper detailing the promos for the fair. I was getting giddier every second! We went inside right away and got greeted by the gowns designed by Edward Teng. My eyes sparkled even more! Anyway, the first flier that was handed to me was of course from Edward Teng's exhibit.

Booth after booth, Brian and I tried to get as much information, ideas, and fliers. Too bad I didn't have a small bag or folder with me to organize all the fliers so I had to carry all of them with my hands. But after about 15 minutes of walking through the first few aisles of the fair, I got a little dizzy and confused! Almost every booth that we passed by handed us fliers, tried to get our contact details, tried to talk to us, tried to get me to try their free makeup, tried to get Brian to sit down to look at wedding rings....gaah! It was so confusing! Everyone was just trying to talk to us! I didn't expect the Bridal Fair to be like that. It was like going to a market place. But thinking about it, it really is a market place. A one-stop-shop for all our wedding needs. But everything around me was just whirling and I couldn't focus anymore. So when a jeweler called us to see their wedding rings and asked us to sit down and have a chat, I gave in. Brian and I needed some rest from all the people trying to talk to us.

After about ten minutes, Brian and I continued to tread our way aisle after aisle.We found some good suppliers and each tried to give us a good deal. I was also very interested in checking out the photo/video coverage exhibitors. That's because one of my top priorities for our wedding was getting a good photo/video coverage supplier. I know that we couldn't afford Jason Magbanua's services or The Mayad Studios (cause they're waaaay too expensive), so Brian and I tried our best to look for good deals with great service and output. We did found some but the thing is, we have to book them on that day. I didn't want to make an impulsive decision so Brian and I decided to let it go. There will be other Bridal Fairs, anyway.

We finished going through the whole Bridal Fair exhibit after about two hours. We tried our best to get as much information and inspiration. We got so tired and hungry after so we decided to have our late lunch at Kaya, a Korean restaurant.

It was actually fun to go through this whole experience of going to a Bridal Fair with Brian by my side. But here are some learnings that I think every bride should know before going to one:

1. Pre-register for the event. This helps you spare spending a few extra pesos for entrance fees. Pre-registering for the event also makes you a VIP Bride *wink wink*
2. Research and do your homework. It's important that you know the suppliers who will be participating in the Bridal Fair. Look them up on the internet to get a rough idea on costs, the quality of their service, etc. This also helps you assess which suppliers to prioritize.
3. Bring the groom-to-be with you. Although it's the maid of honor's job to help you with the whole wedding planning/preparations, it's also best to involve your fiance in the whole process. This helps develop communication between the two of you. Besides, it's his wedding too. And if you need help with carrying all those fliers, he could really give you big help. 
4. Wear comfortable clothes and footwear. Since you will be going through aisle after aisle of wedding supplier booths, make sure you're ready for battle! Wear clothes that you're comfortable with. Footwear is also important cause you'll be walking and standing up the whole time, unless an exhibitor invites you for a little sit-down chat.
5. Bring water with you. Although the place would most likely be air-conditioned, make sure to bring water with you. You would be talking with a lot of people and you might experience a dry mouth. It also helps keep you hydrated :-)
6. Never be impulsive. If you don't have a clear idea of how you want your wedding to be like, don't be impulsive in getting suppliers that offer "good" deals. Most often, these suppliers will extend their promos for a week after the Bridal Fair.
7. Bring a folder/a canvass bag, a notepad and a pen with you. The folder/bag will help you organize the fliers you get during the whole event. You don't want to lose all those important fliers so keep them organized in one place. A notepad and pen comes in handy, too, if you have a particular supplier that interests you. Note them down so you'll have an easier time remembering them. 
8. Take time to talk to suppliers that interest you. Even though you're not really going to book them right away, it's best to talk to suppliers and get them to answer the questions you have in mind. This will help you clear what's included and what's not in their packages. Also, it'll give you an idea or feel of the rapport they have with customers.

So there. I learned my lesson. Bridal Fairs are indeed exciting. But it can definitely go crazy! That's why you have to be prepared for it. And I will be, next time :-).

I love you is not enough...

Love Life Series

This is such a blessing. I just downloaded Victory Alabang's Podcast for the Love Life Series and listened to the Love part as delivered by Pastor Sonny. It's the first part in the series and Pastor Sonny discussed the importance of accepting oneself, as created by God and in the image of God. Because when one gets to accept oneself, then relationships work. We won't have to depend on any other person to give us worth because it is only God who can do that. Anyway, what struck me most is when he challenged the single women and young ladies. And here's what he said:

"Young ladies, single ladies, just listen to this. You set the price at nothing less than two words. Before you give everything to your man, set the price at nothing less than two words. Not three words. Just two words. You see, young ladies, I love you is not enough. Don't just believe it. I challenge you....You know what those two words are? it is only the "I do" that will do."

Anyway, listening to this podcast really made my day. I do know that God created me special because He loves me. But realizing and thinking about it all the more makes me feel even more special. And that other people are as special, too. I just hope that more and more people would realize that.

The Pamamanhikan

February 18. Pamamanhikan day.

I felt nervous. I felt happy...overjoyed to be exact. I felt tired...because my mom and I cleaned the house to prepare it for visitors. I felt blessed. I felt loved.

I really have no idea what happens during a Pamamanhikan. I only encountered it once before when my Tita got engaged. The only thing that I remember during that time was that my Lola invited us over to their house because there's food (hahah). We didn't really participate in the whole "wedding negotiation/preparation" because only my grandparents and my tito's parents were talking.

Now, it was my turn to experience it...for real.

I didn't go to work that day. My mom and I had to prepare our house - which means it was general cleaning day. It was very tiring. But it felt fulfilling because our house finally got its much-deserved "pampering". We started cleaning the house at around ten in the morning and finished at around four in the afternoon. WHEW! That's how "messy" our house was. And maybe that's why I got allergies after...because of all that dust. Anyway, after washing up, my parents went out to buy some fruits and ice and to pick up Tatay Pidreng and Nanay Abe (my dad's parents). Too bad Nanay Luisa can't come over. We'll just visit her one of these days. As I was waiting for them, I logged on to Facebook to play some games and to relieve the tension I was feeling. My heart was pounding! I totally had no idea what was going to happen. I had no idea of what I need to prepare. Are they going to ask about details of the wedding? The budget? Where Brian and I would be staying or living after? I was so nervous! But also excited. Maybe this is how it will feel like come my wedding day...but maybe a hundred times more intense. *eeeep!*

My mom and dad finally came back to the house with my grandparents. Brian told me they'd arrive at seven in the evening. I was checking the time almost every fifteen minutes. That's how nervous I was. Then Brian texted me a little before 8PM and he said they were on their way. WAAH! They're on their way!

Then they arrived.

They brought in the food.

We sat down.

Pastor Ric, Brian's dad, prayed.

Then the pamamanhikan began.

Brian's dad talked. Much like an introduction. Very formal. He said they came over to our house to talk about our upcoming wedding.

Then my dad talked. He asked us if we had a date in mind already.

Brian answered. He said "around October or November. But we initially want it on November 11." It was a pretty date. 11.11.11. But it seems like almost every other couple who's soon to be wed wants to pick that date, too. So Brian said we'll just move it a week after. 11.18.11.

Then my beautiful lola said "akala ko June na. November pa pala. Ang tagal pa.". She thought the wedding's going to happen this June! My mom and I laughed a bit when she said that. She was as excited as we were.

Anyway, the conversation went on. It was mostly my dad and Pastor Ric talking. And I was just smiling the whole time. Even though I was tired and felt a cold coming in because of my allergies, I was happy. I was joyful and thankful to God that Brian and I are at this point of our lives. Two families joining together. Our parents imparting wisdom. Everyone having a good conversation, having fellowship with each other and thanking God for it.

After the pamamanhikan proper, we finally decided to eat. We were all hungry! Good thing Tita Josie, Brian's mom, prepared everything already as was customary. We had caldereta, piniñahang manok (*gulp* for the piña), and beef with brocolli. Yumyumyum! The funny thing about dinner is that my dad and Pastor Ric were all just talking about church stuff. And none of the supposedly pamamanhikan topics. They jive I guess in that aspect. Even my mom and Tita Josie were talking about church stuff. O well. Pastors and their wives, what more can I say?

Everything was just relaxed after. We had fruits for dessert then coffee. I guess everyone felt at ease already. I was happy seeing all these happening right before me. I was very thankful to God. I realized then that more than the formality of the two families meeting together for wedding preparations, a pamamanhikan is really a celebration and a time for fellowship. It's a time for each family to bless one another and to celebrate the upcoming union of their children. It's the time for each family to thank God and to honor Him with our relationships.

So now...let the wedding preparations begin!