iDo - Learning The Black and White of Marriage (Week 2)

The video above was shown by Pastor King and his wife Ms. Phoebe on the 2nd week of iDo. Everyone was laughing as we watched this during the session. Although it may be stereotypical, I pretty much agree with the illustration. Men and women are indeed different and that's the beauty of God's creation.

During this session, Pastor King and his wife tackled the topic "His Needs. Her Needs." The objective was to help the couples understand how men and women are wired to help address each person's needs and in the end have a more harmonious time together :-) I find this session very helpful because I get to appreciate more how God created Brian. It made me see how unique he is and also, how unique I am.

So what are men's top needs (in the context of marriage, that is)? Here's a not so surprising and some surprising revelations that Ms. Phoebe shared.

1. Sexual Fulfillment. Yup! It's almost every guy's top need. And it's not really surprising. I mean, don't get me wrong but guys are really more physical. But of course, this should be fulfilled within the context of marriage only. What's great about this is that I realized all the more the importance of sex in marriage. Sex is literally the physical aspect of being "one in flesh" (Genesis 2:24). Ms. Phoebe even noted that more than being physically connected to each other, sex is actually communication. It's learning to understand and get to know each other physically and intimately.

2. Recreational Companionship. See here? Guys are really physical! Hahaha. One of their top needs is for their spouse to share in their enjoyment of any recreational activity - be it basketball, computer games, travel, food tripping or jogging. I know, some girls LIKE ME, are not really the athletic kind. But fulfilling this particular need doesn't mean that we have to do what he does. Being a recreational companion could also mean being his cheerleader...which I find really cute. And more than being husband and wife, this helps develop the friendship between a couple. We become each others best friends :-) Brian has been asking me since before to play badminton with him. Laziness seeps in my muscles and almost always I turn him down. But now, I'll try. It will be good for me, anyway. I need some exercise.

3. Attractive Spouse. Well, who doesn't? I don't think this is just a guy thing. I also want my spouse to look attractive. As a wife, it'll show how well we take care of our husbands :-). And for husbands, it'll show how well they also take care of their wife :-). But again, don't get me wrong here. I realized here that vanity is not an excuse for attractiveness. Just as Ms. Phoebe puts it, "attractiveness is what you do with what you have".

4. Domestic Support. Some independent and career oriented women may find this a little too difficult to fulfill for their husband. But the thing is, after a full day of work, guys want to come home to a clean and stress free house. I learned here that guys really consider their home to be their place of rest, where they can relax and recharge. Although I believe that it doesn't mean that the woman has to do everything around the house. Heheh! The husbands need to help, too :-) This particular need makes me all the more excited about marriage. Since I like cooking (and baking!), I want to be able to serve yummy food to Brian :-) I better start practicing now.

5. Admiration. Husbands need inspiration, affirmation and admiration. Who doesn't? I mean, wives need that, too. But for guys, it helps them feel they're doing a good job. It helps them keep inspired to do what they're doing. Sometimes, we girls, always think of ourselves first. I have a tendency to do that. I want to feel admired always. But, thank God, I realized that Brian needs it, too. Although Ms. Phoebe warned us that other people, or women, may fulfill this particular need. That is why, wives should always be their husbands' number one fan :-)

So that's basically a husband's top five needs. It's not really an exact thing. But getting a picture of it helped me understand guys more...and of course, Brian.

Now, it's the women's turn :-) Pastor King share with us some interesting points about what women need. And I really had some "oohhh-that's-why" moments when I heard this. I never really got to fully think about these needs so it's really refreshing to know.

1. Affection. I love hugs. It makes me feel loved. And it makes me feel secure. Maybe that's why girls are suckers for anything romantic. Pastor King even said that affection is like cement. It binds a wife and a husband together. He also noted that sexual fulfillment (for the guys) and affection (for the girls) go together and you can't have one without the other.

2. Conversation. Women like to talk...A LOT! And even for someone as "shy" and "timid" as me (yes, I can be shy with "new" people), I like to talk. I like telling people, who are close to me, what I think, what happened to me, what I feel. And guys need to understand that. Study shows that men use around 12,500 words per day...and for women, we use around 25,000 words per day! That really cracks me up! Maybe that's why we sometimes feel frustrated that men don't seem to understand. Or maybe because we babble too much? Or maybe because our thoughts are not so coherent as the guys? Because women can jump from one topic to another in just a snap?Anyway, the point is, men need to understand that women like having conversations. This is important in marriage because it's a practice of communication. But I learned, too, that women also need to be quiet at times, so we can listen to our man talk :-)

3. Honesty and Openness. I have a big issue with trust. I don't trust people right away. It takes time for me to build on it. But the moment that trust gets broken, it will be hard to get back. Maybe that's why honesty and openness are one of a woman's top needs. It was shared during the session that girls are very detailed. We like to ask questions that sometimes aim to test honesty and openness. Guys sometimes just don't get it. They may think that we're probing. But women need to be assured of honesty and openness. Too much nagging might put a stress on marriage but too much silence may kill it. As Pastor King puts it, "Honesty is the best marriage insurance policy".

4. Financial Support. Pastor King shared that women have this need for money to live comfortably. Not putting too much pressure on the guys, it doesn't really mean that money makes the world go round for us girls. Financial support from husbands give women a sense of security - most especially for the family. But let's face it - money is hard to manage. But I like what Pastor King said about financial stability. He said that there's really no such thing. But there is a thing called financial responsibility. It's learning how to be responsible for the blessings and resources that God gives us. It's stewardship. And this is what I think God is teaching Brian and me, nowadays. That God owns everything. He's the source of our finances. He's the provider of our needs.

5. Family Commitment.Women want their husbands to be the leader of the family. We want the best husband and the best father-leader. Tough call, huh? But I believe it's God who sustains godly men to be as such. It is God who gives wisdom to the husband-father-leader on how they will manage their family. And I will definitely pray to God about this. That He will give Brian wisdom and the strength to lead our future family :-)

Anyway, that's basically it. I learned A WHOLE LOT again for this session. It's just really amazing how men are really different from women. God created each of us uniquely and we may have totally different sets of needs but God's gift of marriage amazingly multiplies these differences into a great and Godly relationship that makes us one.


'Til next post :-)